July 3
looks like we are movin to Minneapolis!! woo hoo!!
March 15
Sunscreen….
yes…. this song is SOOO 1999, but the lyrics got to me the other day when i found an old burned cd from high school… enjoy the throw back.
February 19
just feeling a little sentimental and wanted to share that these are by far the most important men in my life. i cant believe how lucky i am to have them by my side. i love my brothers to the moon and back, and miss my pops every second of the day. <3
January 5
To lose a loved one is the hardest thing anyone could ever endure. My family lost a real live hero the day my father died. Before his death, he wrote each me and my brothers a personal letter which my mother gave to us once he had passed. His words have been permanently engraved in my mind. His opening words to me read,
“You are and always will be my little girl. There is only one. I think that is a good thing, as I don’t know that i could ever love another daughter as much as i love you. Certainly, I have always been fully occupied with one daughter alone, and you will live you life knowing our relationship was unique among any other I had in my life. i can’t help but smile as i write you, just as I was never able to avoid smiling as I thought of you in your life’s journey.”
I read his letter daily as a reminder that my father knew what was coming as he felt his life disappear in front of him. What a brave and honest man he was.
My father was diagnosed with a rare form of liver cancer just a few days after my 22nd birthday. The months to follow seem now like a dream. We lived the next 2 years in hospitals, getting to know every inch of his disease. Lucky for us, we had a family to lean on. My mom told me when he got sick that we were lucky. We were lucky that this illness had happened to our family, because there were people out there who had no one to lean on. Unlike us. We had a support system beyond anyone’s wildest imagination. And she was right. Our family is filled with love.
I wish every second of my life that my dad was still here to watch my brothers prosper. He valued education so very much. With this new year, my brother Casey will receive his PhD. My father would have been (and i know he is) so very proud. I can picture his eyes now, gleaming with joy. My brother Travis is now a doctor, with 2 beautiful babies my father was lucky enough to have met. When I see those babies, all I can think about is watching my dad hold them and tell me, “Julie, how beautiful is this? How precious are these babies? We are so lucky to have each other and to have these beautiful children.” My brother Chris was always a prodigy to my dad. He is the musician we all wish we could be. I can recall oh so many nights, before and after my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and him telling Chris, “Play me something beautiful.” We would all sit and watch as my brother wowed us as he strummed his guitar. The moments I cherish most though, are the mornings when the house was full. All of us. My mother, father, 3 brothers, sister in law, girlfriends, nieces… all waking up to an early morning of drinking coffee and shooting the shit. My dad in his chair, and all of us cuddled up so close to one another. Those moments when we all knew this is what family was really all about.
This Christmas was the first one without my father. We lit a candle and read beautiful poems and I knew that somewhere… in the happiness and comfort of us all being together, my father was there. He told me that no matter what, he would never let a moment like that go by without him being there.
Today, I hope you kiss your family and loved ones, and realize that you too, have a beautiful and wonderful life. It is yours to live if you give it the chance.
June 10
words to live by….
Desiderata
-
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
May 29
reading
hey lady! i got into the chuck palahniuk books recently… almost done with invisible monsters. its really addicting so far!
apparently, a book per week isn’t enough. i can’t stop reading lately, even though the most recent, girlbomb by janice erlbaum, wasn’t quite as enjoyable as the three others from last week.
it was engrossing and slightly stupefying, but i found myself worn out of the pursuit of drugs after reading bits of it, even with my extremely limited firsthand knowledge of the subject. i can’t say i know how she felt in most of the circumstances or that i am even curious enough to want to identify.
was it a bildungsroman? yes. did it feel like parts of it took forever and there weren’t enough of other things? yes. do i ever want to raise children in NYC? hell no. case in point- by the time in my young life i had started thinking about doing the nasty, this girl had been to coney island and back with more dudes than i can remember.
it was almost exhausting to read, like the memoir i read once, wasted, by marya hornbacher, about the girl with multiple, simultaneous eating disorders. the after-effects of that book went something like this: eat. make myself look at carrots with the same love as before, not in disgust since they might be the only thing i would eat that day. hold down my nausea from reading graphic stories about this girl eating two carrots and then puking her guts out and hiding the bags. remember how much i love food and keep that healthy relationship with it.
going in to girlbomb i was hoping to emerge a little more moved and enchanted than i did. i had minor issues also with the syntax and word choices at times- simply knowing a word and trying to scrap it in somewhere is not my idea of beautifully written prose.
also, i may be still spoiled from reading the glass castle, by jeannette walls, from last week. that’s one that i can’t get over. maybe because it was (partly) set a little closer to home and what i knew growing up in the deep south. maybe because the main character had a little more initiative to make good things happen out of ridiculous and tragic situations instead of wasting her body and mind.
ultimately, i think each girl responded the best way that she could think of at the time and i probably identified with jeannette walls in personality more than janice erlbaum- sometimes a bit too responsible for my own good.
one of the other books from last week was french milk, by lucy knisley. i lapped it up in two sittings and was so in love with it that i couldn’t stand for it to end. her language in illustrations and in small phrasing is incredible and wonderfully developed. i wish all writers had such clarity- in their words and drawings, their own font, even!
now the problem is… what to read next? probably that large stack of magazines accumulating on my desk. maybe i’ll assess those in the next post <3
Casey, Chris, Dad and I.
